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Brand-O Foods, LLC makes and distributes Speedie B's Energy Bars. Speedie B's are all-natural energy bars made with organic, wholesome ingredients that are good for you and taste great too. With around 300 calories, Speedie B's can also serve as a meal-replacement bar.   

 

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Brando Blog

About time they finally let me talk about what I want to talk about... 

 

Leaning In: From Shelter to C-Suite An Autobiography By Brando Hound

Beatrix Arendt

Chapter One: 

“In all fighting, the direct method may be used for joining battle, but indirect methods will be needed in order to secure victory.”

-          Sun Tzu, The Art of War

                I can’t read, and I don’t know the friend beast who wrote that, but I like lying in the sun. Especially on days when there aren’t any bugs. I hate bugs. They buzz around me, and land on the base of my tail where I can’t get to them, and I’m sitting there snapping at them and giving myself whiplash while I’m trying to relax, and who has time for that?  

                Anyway. I’m not here to talk about bugs. Or lying in the sun. Though maybe I’ll go do that later. It’s colder outside these days, and there aren’t so many bugs.

                When I walk into a room, it gets the friend beasts’ attention. They start cooing at me in their stupid voices, and want me to come over so they can pet me. Fine, I say, you can scratch me behind the ears. I’m a dog. I like that. But like the old canine proverb goes, you get further with a strip of chicken jerky and a welcome bark, then you do with just a welcome bark. 

                It’s easiest when my friend beasts are making their food. The really good smells wake me up from my nap, and I walk downstairs, and I park myself by the kitchen and stare. Sometimes, I might have to start drooling so that it registers in their little pea brains what I’m after. “Brando,” one of them says. “You want a treat?” Do bulldogs have bad sinuses? Duh.

                Then, they decide I need to work for my food. That’s amusing to me. I don’t have opposable thumbs. I don’t have little, shiny sticks with pointy things that I can pick up, and use to cut up my food. It’s nose in the bowl, baby. Or I’ll take it right out of your hand, or off the floor. Whatever works.

                Anyway, they spend longer than I want to wait, tearing up my treats and stuffing them into this round, chewy thing. Then one of them hands it to me like they’re doing me a huge favor. So in order to get my shredded-up treats out of this stupid ball with holes in it, I have to grind away and wait for little pieces to fall out. Then I drop the ball, eat up the little pieces—which have usually fallen between my bed and the floor, or wound up underneath the coffee table—and pick up the ball again. And repeat. If I work really hard, I can get most of the treat out before I’m exhausted, and fall asleep. Thanks, friend beasts! By the way, are YOU the ones roughhousing with 80-lb. Labs three days a week? I think NOT. Maybe you should put all that food you stuff into your mouths while you stare at the talking screen into the little stupid ball, and “work for it.”

                It’s tougher when other friend beasts come over, and I have to educate them. It starts when I hear a car pull up, or a door slam. Cue hound bark. Doorbell rings. I hate that stupid thing… hurts my ears. Barking intensifies. ‘Cause, you know, a dog’s gotta protect his house.

                All the pleasantries start when they step inside. I get their scent. Wag, wag, wag. Nuzzle, nuzzle, nuzzle. Coo, coo, coo. Great… now let’s get down to business. After scratching my ears and rubbing my belly for a few minutes, it’s obvious they want to get friend beast treats, and drink out of those bone-shaped water bowls they carry around. Fine, I say. Brando will go lie down. Brando will go lie quietly on his bed in the corner, and pretend to be asleep while you say stupider things than usual. But it’s gonna cost ya.

                So I lean in. Heavy on the knees, so they know it’s not just a pass-by. Usually I start whining. Affection, affection, affection PLEEEAAASE!!! Usually this is happening when they’re about to put food in their bowls. Friend beasts eat, Brando’s gotta eat. Even if he’s already been fed his dinner. I make sure that message is perfectly clear.

                And this part is great, because with other friend beasts in the house, they don’t have time to shred up my treats and put them inside the stupid ball. So I get the jerky, or the dry treat or whatever, intact, and I go over to my bed and I take my sweet time eating it. Sometimes, I even stop to take a breath.

                Get fed, go to bed. Those are words I live by.               

BREAKING NEWS: BRAND-O FOODS CHAIRMAN TO SELF-PUBLISH AUTOBIOGRAPHY

Beatrix Arendt

“Leaning In” tells the shelter-to-penthouse story of an American business icon

Breaking nearly a 10-month media silence, representatives of Brand-O Foods chairman Brando Hound today announced that the high-leaping corporate canine will be self-publishing his memoirs, on the Brand-O Foods blog.

When asked why Brando would spurn a lucrative advance from one of the major publishing houses, Owen Barnacle, senior partner in the firm of Barnacle, Heep and Sludge, commented: “First of all, he doesn’t need the money. His owners and grand-owners buy him all the treats, toys and beds he needs. Second, he doesn’t want to have the authenticity of his barks and whines diluted by some editor sitting at a desk in New York. Self-publishing allows him to bring his inspiring, riveting personal narrative direct to his legion of adoring admirers. “

When asked if the release of a corporate autobiography was intended to burnish Brando’s reputation, in light of damaging, personal revelations brought to light last spring and fall by “Ask Nicely” columnist Syd Nicely, Mr. Barnacle offered a stinging retort. 

“Mr. Nicely’s in the business of selling newspapers. Slandering and defaming my client’s just a shameless attempt to retain his dwindling readership. But the American public is smart enough to see through Mr. Nicely’s canards and prevarications. When they want the full story, they know to go direct to the source.” 

When asked why Brando went silent in the face of Mr. Nicely’s latest column, from September 17 of last year, Mr. Barnacle turned curt. “I believe I’ve already answered your question.”

When reached for comment, Mr. Nicely responded by e-mail: “Going silent then coming out with a splashy announcement about a new book? This has Brando’s paw prints all over it. Ask Barnacle if he’s the ghostwriter.” (To which Mr. Barnacle retorted, “He knows Brando doesn’t have opposable thumbs. That’s a low blow.”) 

Why the title “Leaning In,” Mr. Barnacle was asked? “It embodies his entire management philosophy. He believes that when he leans into a person, makes them scratch him behind the ears or give him a treat, the business negotiation’s over before it’s begun. Read your Sun Tzu.” 

When queried regarding the book’s contents, Mr. Barnacle commented, “It’ll make you think, make you laugh, make you cry. A rescue dog rises to the pinnacle of the consumer packaged food industry, in two short years. As the saying goes, ‘Only in America.’”

As to whether the narrative will touch on aspects of Brando’s personal life, specifically the rumored distancing in affections between the Brand-O Foods Chairman and his life mate, Mr. Barnacle kept mum. “You’ll have to read the book.”  

“Leaning In” will appear exclusively on www.speedieb.com/brandoblog, in monthly installments.

Tugging on Superdog’s Tail

Beatrix Arendt

By Syd Nicely

Paulo Coelho once said, “If you want to control someone, all you have to do is to make them feel afraid.”

The May 28 edition of Ask Nicely detailed Brand-O Foods’ PR flack Own Barnacle’s response to revelations that the company’s Chairman, Brando Hound, has lost touch with his roots as a shelter dog, running with a pack of privileged, hard-playing canines; turning up his nose at gourmet dog food; dividing his time between four beds; and neglecting his life mate, whom he commutes to see in Richmond.

Mr. Barnacle—hereafter to be referenced in this column as Mr. Flack—proceeded to put up a “Beware of Dog” sign, warning of dark consequences if Your Humble Correspondent failed to relent and repent his trespasses.  

Save it for the mailman, Owen.

It’s plain as day that Brando’s pulled a page from the dog-eared playbook of corporate chieftains under duress – he’s hired a well-coiffed flunky in an expensive suit to reject the premise, and question the credibility of the source. Namely, Your Humble Correspondent (who has been on extended summer vacation).

Note, dear readers, that Mr. Flack did not dispute the facts of any of the issues raised in the May 18 edition of Ask Nicely, but pivoted, parried and thrusted to blunt and redirect their impact. Captain Jack Sparrow would’ve been proud.

Ask Nicely doesn’t usually make time for puparazzi, but when a picture surfaces showing the chairman of a high-flying food empire with a female who’s not his life mate, Your Humble Correspondent feels duty-bound to start asking questions.

This photo surfaced recently of the CEO and his new play mate at the local sports club. 

This photo surfaced recently of the CEO and his new play mate at the local sports club. 

Naturally, Mr. Flack had a ready explanation.

“They belong to the same club,” quoth the Brand-O Foods spin doctor. “They’re just friends. It would be like you and me going out to play nine holes on a Sunday. If I wanted to be seen out in public with you.”

And how does Mrs. Brando feel about her mate wolfing around with a sleek Labradoodle?

“The Brandos have a relationship built on mutual trust. That’s what makes everything possible. Without her unwavering support, Brando would never be able to keep up his strenuous exercise, eating and sleeping schedule. And be apart from her for such long stretches.”

So what’s the Bright Young Thing’s name?

“She didn’t sign up to live in the public spotlight – Brando recognizes that, as the chairman of a growing food business, his personal and private lives are intertwined. He goes to great lengths to ensure that his friends and associates are spared that scrutiny and its occasional indignities.”

It was pointed out to Mr. Flack that the steady drumbeat of reports depicting his boss as a hard-playing hound--in more ways than one--are incongruous with the “loveable dog” image that Brand-O Foods works assiduously to cultivate.

“That assessment couldn’t be more out of touch with reality. Brando hikes twice a day. Even at the club, he’s constantly working with other dogs, correcting their behavior. When he’s at work he constantly keeps at least one eye open, watching his lieutenants run the business.”     

Nicely-played, Mr. Flack. But Your Humble Correspondent believes that, like the mystery Labradoodle, this story has legs.   

Attorney for Brand-O Foods Responds to “Spurious Claims”

Beatrix Arendt

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (May 28, 2014) Attorneys for Brando Hound, Chairman of Charlottesville-based energy bar maker Brand-O Foods, today offered a vociferous defense of their client against bombshell allegations leveled last week by “Ask Nicely” columnist Syd Nicely.

“We categorically deny Mr. Nicely’s preposterous assertions, and challenge him to come forward with a shred of evidence beyond the hearsay accounts of unnamed ‘sources,’” said Owen Barnacle, senior partner in the firm of Barnacle, Heep and Sludge. “If he cannot, we demand that he immediately retract these mendacious accusations, and offer a full, public apology to Mr. Hound.”

In his May 18 column, Nicely painted an unflattering portrait of the Brand-O Foods Chairman as having lost touch with his humble roots as a shelter dog: running with a pack of privileged, hard-playing canines; turning up his nose at gourmet dog food; dividing his time between four beds; and neglecting his life mate, whom he commutes to see in Richmond.

“The nonsensical breadth of these spurious claims suggests Mr. Nicely’s sole intent was to hurl a bucket of paint at my client, and see what would stick,” said Mr. Barnacle. “Brando’s coat is clean; he gets shampooed once a week.”

After initially declining to offer a point-by-point rebuttal of “the numerous distortions of fact” presented in the “Ask Nicely” column, Mr. Barnacle launched into a full-throated defense of his client.

“Brando is a pillar of the Charlottesville canine community. He routinely donates his dry food to canines less fortunate,” stated Mr. Barnacle. “It’s audacious and outrageous of Mr. Nicely to impugn my client’s selflessness as selfishness.”   

And what of the Nicely’s column’s portrait of a “Brat Pack” animal and his jilted paramour?

“Mr. Hound is a family dog, first and foremost. Whenever he’s not eating or sleeping, he’s out on the trails, engaging with Charlottesville’s athletic community, relentlessly pushing to improve the Speedie B’s product.”

It was pointed out to Mr. Barnacle that he hadn’t answered the question. 

“Being the face of an emerging consumer food brand comes with a lot of pressure. As a dog that sleeps hard and plays hard, Brando naturally chooses to associate himself with the same kind of animal.  If one of them puts his head through drywall, that’s got nothing to do with my client.” 

Tapping his watch, Mr. Barnacle moved to sum up.

 “His column’s called ‘Ask Nicely.’ Well, that’s what we’re doing. At this point, Brando will be satisfied with a full retraction and public apology. If Mr. Nicely elects to persist in his scurrilous attacks, my client will have no choice but to start showing his teeth.”