BRANDO HOUND, ESQUIRE, CHAIRMAN OF BRAND-O FOODS, CELEBRATES 4TH/ 28TH BIRTHDAY
CHAIRMAN: "WANT MORE TREATS"
Brando Hound, illustrious chairman of Brand-O Foods, marked his fourth/ twenty-eighth birthday by demonstrating physical vigor and laser-like focus over his budding food empire.
A lowly company scribe caught up with the chairman at his personal residence, in between trail walks, feedings and naps, for a rare personal interview:
Interviewer: 4's quite a milestone. What did you do to celebrate?
Brando: Friendbeasts made me get out of my crate. I didn't want to. I was sleepy. They put out my food but didn't put any peanut butter in it. I like peanut butter. Let's see them eat my food without any peanut butter in it...
(At this point in the interview, a company P.R. flack intervenes)
P.R. Flack: ... what the chairman meant to say is, he jumped out of bed at the lyrical sound of his human companions' morning greetings and enjoyed a hearty, grain-free breakfast.
Interviewer: ... Well, actually, that's not what he said...
P.R. Flack: It is if you're planning on printing any of this.
Interviewer (to BRANDO): ... Okay. So you ate your breakfast...
Brando: They finally put peanut butter on it. If I stand there and look at them long enough, they do what I want...
P.R. Flack: ... an example of his unparalleled ability to motivate his employees...
Interviewer: --so after you ate breakfast, you...?
Brando: They put the dumb coat on me and let me outside. Finally. I went over to my favorite tree, and I sniffed it, and I--
P.R. Flack (interrupting): --breathed in the morning dew, and commenced a half-hour of vigorous exercise on the trail paths!
Interviewer (to P.R. Flack): I was told I'd have unrestricted access to the chairman for this interview.
P.R. Flack: You see a leash on his collar?
Interviewer: --fine. (To Brando) So after you had your exercise. You went into the office...?
Brando: My crate's in the office. The man friendbeast put me in the car and we went to camp--
P.R. Flack: --to an executive retreat!!
Brando: --Treat? Where's the treat?
Brando: --where? I don't smell it...
Interviewer: And who was there? At this retreat?
P.R. Flack: --will you please stop saying 'retreat?' You're distracting him...
Interviewer: You said it first...
Brando: I'm sitting down! Here's my paw! Where's my treat?
(The Interviewer reaches for a bag of treats positioned next to the P.R. Flack)
Interviewer (to P.R. Flack): Can I give him a--?
P.R. Flack: Just one. You'll spoil his dinner.
Brando: Another one! I can eat another one!
Interviewer: After the interview. So what did you do at the executive--at camp?
Brando: Played with my friends. Slept. Got treats.
P.R. Flack: ... and used his exceptional communications skills to forge broad consensus...
Brando: This other dog I didn't know licked my face. I growled at him and he stepped off--
Interviewer: ... How long were you there?
Brando: How should I know? I'm a dog.
Interviewer: --So you didn't actually do any work on your birthday?
Brando: What's work?
P.R. Flack: ... OK, this interview's over...