"Today, millions of fitness and outdoor enthusiasts around the nation (or at least a half-dozen in a five-mile radius) are eagerly anticipating the first annual message from Brando Hound, the 'Culinarian of Charlottesville.' Taking his cue from legendary investor Warren Buffett, the 'Oracle of Omaha,' Brando dispenses sharp-eyed business insights couched in homespun wisdom and self-deprecating humor. His epistles will no doubt become 'must-read' material for years to come."
- Brand-O Foods Communications Department, 12/30/13
Woman friendbeast yelled at me for not writing stuff in 2013. I don't know how to write, and I don't know what 2013 is. Doesn't she see how busy I am? If I don't eat my food, then the man friendbeast who lugs that big bag into my house every month won't have anything to do. The woman friendbeast might make him leave. If I don't sniff and pee on all the plants along the trail where I live, they won't turn brown. If I don't bite my toys and shake them 'til all the stuffing comes out, I'll get soft, and the squirrels will stop running up trees when they see me coming. Wait... did someone say SQUIRREL?? Oh, that was me.
They want me to say something about bars. I tasted the Almond Cherry kind once. It was good. The friendbeasts seem happy. They get to go out and meet other friendbeasts who eat the bars and then they're happy. I don't like it because they're gone on a day when I know they're supposed to be around. There are the days when they get up early, and they're grumpy and they yell at me to come downstairs and eat my breakfast and go outside, then there are days when I have to go wake them up. Those are the days when we go out for long walks and I jump in the water then they laugh at me because I run like crazy 'cause I'm freezing cold--if it's cold outside it's cold in the water, gotta remember that--but I guess it's OK if they go out and make other friendbeasts happy with bars first. I think it's called free-market principles. I heard once that on the big noise box in the room where my downstairs bed is. The friendbeasts stare at it for hours. It doesn't even smell like treats.
So I'm supposed to say that the bars are now at Gibson's in Belmont, and Salt up by Monticello, in addition to Ragged Mountain Running Shop. I don't know where those places are, but I bet they're nice and that nice friendbeasts are there to sell the bars. Wait... that squirrel. The one up in the tree. He's staring at me and he's not... looking away! I knew it! If I'd been standing here shredding my octopus this never would've happened! Where's my toy! Gotta find my toy!