CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (May 28, 2014) Attorneys for Brando Hound, Chairman of Charlottesville-based energy bar maker Brand-O Foods, today offered a vociferous defense of their client against bombshell allegations leveled last week by “Ask Nicely” columnist Syd Nicely.
“We categorically deny Mr. Nicely’s preposterous assertions, and challenge him to come forward with a shred of evidence beyond the hearsay accounts of unnamed ‘sources,’” said Owen Barnacle, senior partner in the firm of Barnacle, Heep and Sludge. “If he cannot, we demand that he immediately retract these mendacious accusations, and offer a full, public apology to Mr. Hound.”
In his May 18 column, Nicely painted an unflattering portrait of the Brand-O Foods Chairman as having lost touch with his humble roots as a shelter dog: running with a pack of privileged, hard-playing canines; turning up his nose at gourmet dog food; dividing his time between four beds; and neglecting his life mate, whom he commutes to see in Richmond.
“The nonsensical breadth of these spurious claims suggests Mr. Nicely’s sole intent was to hurl a bucket of paint at my client, and see what would stick,” said Mr. Barnacle. “Brando’s coat is clean; he gets shampooed once a week.”
After initially declining to offer a point-by-point rebuttal of “the numerous distortions of fact” presented in the “Ask Nicely” column, Mr. Barnacle launched into a full-throated defense of his client.
“Brando is a pillar of the Charlottesville canine community. He routinely donates his dry food to canines less fortunate,” stated Mr. Barnacle. “It’s audacious and outrageous of Mr. Nicely to impugn my client’s selflessness as selfishness.”
And what of the Nicely’s column’s portrait of a “Brat Pack” animal and his jilted paramour?
“Mr. Hound is a family dog, first and foremost. Whenever he’s not eating or sleeping, he’s out on the trails, engaging with Charlottesville’s athletic community, relentlessly pushing to improve the Speedie B’s product.”
It was pointed out to Mr. Barnacle that he hadn’t answered the question.
“Being the face of an emerging consumer food brand comes with a lot of pressure. As a dog that sleeps hard and plays hard, Brando naturally chooses to associate himself with the same kind of animal. If one of them puts his head through drywall, that’s got nothing to do with my client.”
Tapping his watch, Mr. Barnacle moved to sum up.
“His column’s called ‘Ask Nicely.’ Well, that’s what we’re doing. At this point, Brando will be satisfied with a full retraction and public apology. If Mr. Nicely elects to persist in his scurrilous attacks, my client will have no choice but to start showing his teeth.”