“Leaning In” tells the shelter-to-penthouse story of an American business icon
Breaking nearly a 10-month media silence, representatives of Brand-O Foods chairman Brando Hound today announced that the high-leaping corporate canine will be self-publishing his memoirs, on the Brand-O Foods blog.
When asked why Brando would spurn a lucrative advance from one of the major publishing houses, Owen Barnacle, senior partner in the firm of Barnacle, Heep and Sludge, commented: “First of all, he doesn’t need the money. His owners and grand-owners buy him all the treats, toys and beds he needs. Second, he doesn’t want to have the authenticity of his barks and whines diluted by some editor sitting at a desk in New York. Self-publishing allows him to bring his inspiring, riveting personal narrative direct to his legion of adoring admirers. “
When asked if the release of a corporate autobiography was intended to burnish Brando’s reputation, in light of damaging, personal revelations brought to light last spring and fall by “Ask Nicely” columnist Syd Nicely, Mr. Barnacle offered a stinging retort.
“Mr. Nicely’s in the business of selling newspapers. Slandering and defaming my client’s just a shameless attempt to retain his dwindling readership. But the American public is smart enough to see through Mr. Nicely’s canards and prevarications. When they want the full story, they know to go direct to the source.”
When asked why Brando went silent in the face of Mr. Nicely’s latest column, from September 17 of last year, Mr. Barnacle turned curt. “I believe I’ve already answered your question.”
When reached for comment, Mr. Nicely responded by e-mail: “Going silent then coming out with a splashy announcement about a new book? This has Brando’s paw prints all over it. Ask Barnacle if he’s the ghostwriter.” (To which Mr. Barnacle retorted, “He knows Brando doesn’t have opposable thumbs. That’s a low blow.”)
Why the title “Leaning In,” Mr. Barnacle was asked? “It embodies his entire management philosophy. He believes that when he leans into a person, makes them scratch him behind the ears or give him a treat, the business negotiation’s over before it’s begun. Read your Sun Tzu.”
When queried regarding the book’s contents, Mr. Barnacle commented, “It’ll make you think, make you laugh, make you cry. A rescue dog rises to the pinnacle of the consumer packaged food industry, in two short years. As the saying goes, ‘Only in America.’”
As to whether the narrative will touch on aspects of Brando’s personal life, specifically the rumored distancing in affections between the Brand-O Foods Chairman and his life mate, Mr. Barnacle kept mum. “You’ll have to read the book.”
“Leaning In” will appear exclusively on www.speedieb.com/brandoblog, in monthly installments.